Anime Series

       Anime can be broken up into several main categories. We have the pedophilic magical girl anime, where some underaged little girl will wave a stick and turn half-naked for your viewing pleasure, we have the whole giant-robot thing, where small penised individuals jump in monolithic versions of themselves, we have the violent shows with ludicrous amounts of firearms for absolutely no good reason except that guns are somehow supposed to be cool, and we have the inane comedies where seeing people punched into orbit every episode is fresh and creative.

     This show, much like others, was aimed at little kids; we're talking 9-12 year olds, yet became immensely popular among 25 year old nerds. It can't be for the animation, whose quality is something between Atari Pacman and that talentless loser who draws the comics in your school newspaper; and it can't be for the story of seeing a monster pop up to be instantly turned to ash by waving a wand a hundred and ninety nine times -- I'll wager the only reason people watch it is to see sexy 14 year olds in skimpy outfits.

      Next we have another very popular genre: The We Have Lots Of Guns And We Shoot People With Them show! There's a popular show out there of this sort called Noir, which is a snobby French way of saying negro. Do not assume that it means the show is classic film noir style, because there is no plot and there are no detectives -- although there are about three hundred murders and a bucket of popcorn. In the show, we have another stinking little kid who is really a super-uber-mega-cool assassin. Now when I shoot the neighbor's cat with a 1934, nothing happens, but when she does it people are spun around, fly out of windows, and explode into red mist. Not being a homeboy from south central, she can't legitimately hold her gat all sideways like. Since this is a stupid cartoon, she can't possibly hold it properly either, or else people might use it as a training video and shoot up schools -- and so she finds the happy medium of diagonal. Note the sexy pseudo-Stanfordesque one handed stsance. Her tilted cohort is some blonde Frenchie who throughout the entire series, wears the exact same shirt and the exact same skirt (or maybe she just has fifty of each). Also being a professional assassin, her weapon of choice is the POS (that's short for point of sale) P99, which she thinks is oolong as she hands it to you cup and saucer style. To round off the cast, we have the 'bad guy' assassins who are your standard fare, Saturday Morning Cartoon characters. One of them has the sole attack of putting poison on her nails so that she can claw you with them, and the other is a normal happy girl until she puts on a green coat that transforms her into the blade slinging bitch of death. Oh yes, and she can also dodge rainstorms of bullets coming from four dozen guys in suits, as she dispatches them with an unending supply of ninja skills while bouncing off walls. Dick Grayson (that would be Batman's heterosexual partner) would be proud. Come on, and people say Japanese cartoons are somehow vastly superior to the American fare?

     But wait! What about the plot? Well, it goes something like this: we meet these two assassins, who are such nice people that they are banned from having any friends and that they kill anyone people will pay them to, while striking lame poses such as the one on the right. Next on Fox, when ceilings attack!

     Oops, you saved my life? Die! Oops, you are a nice old man that some poor village depends on for food and kindness? Die! Oops, you offered me free information? Die! Wow, I empathize with these characters already! The Professional this is not -- not being Japanese, I do not inherently possess a little kid assassin fetish. Kirika is described as being neato because she can take out people with sporks and doesn't feel any remorse or feelings for having paid to see Saving Silverman. Mireille on the other hand is swell because she kills plenty of people with money as the sole reason (much like the IRS), and though she has feelings, she simply doesn't care. Wow. What valorous heroines. Absolutely nothing happens in the twenty six episodes, save for the fact that they are hired out to kill various people. Now I understand that Japanese people are supposed to have smaller penises than your average American, and the same holds true for most of the anime fans who watch this drivel, but isn't this basically the glorification of murder? You shall not find literary, artistic, or scientific value here. I am told 'suspense' is not a known word (instead, they say 'su-su-pu-penis') to Japanese. The characters never worry about how to kill someone, or what they shall do next week when the price of pork bellies plummets. It is said that stories are tales of conflict, but the only conflict here is how Kirika supports such a giant head on that pencil of a neck.

     To be fair, I can't neglect the comedic shows. Perhaps the most popular at the time of this writing is a two episode (two episodes because it sucks) OAV (insert your own witty translation here) titled Puni Puni Poemi, which is Japanese for pull my finger. In this show, the ten year old character transforms into a Sailor Moon-ish character by gutting a fish and waving it around, while dodging her (female) best friend who would like nothing more than to play doctor with her. Supposedly a spinoff of Excel Saga, the only resemblance is the recycling of the poorest characters, such as the pink suited, afro-toting 'director,' who has the acting skills of Tim Allen (if that conjures up images other than 'suckass,' admit yourself at the local asylum now). I suppose this show is funny if you think gaudy concepts like boobs the size of heads, ten year olds sucking on Connectix balls, and aliens sniffing each other's testicles is comedic material. If this makes you laugh, you probably also think M*A*S*H is funny. Stupid and funny are not the same thing, unless your name is Ross Perot (and only 'cause he's got those ears). If these sort of images appeal to you, I have a better idea -- it's called crack, and three out of four college students prefer it to cartoons. Futurama is funny. The sales figures for the Final Fantasy movie are funny. The only reason anime geeks watch this junk is because going out and renting real midget porn would require interaction with three dimensional people.

 
    Most anime freaks are your pork rind munching computer and D&D nerds who have never heard of a comb or a bar of soap. Since these types magnetically repel members of the vagina possessing category, the whole giant boob thing sprang up so these wankers would have something to look at. And since these geek types likely got pushed around and laughed at by normal members of society when they were children (not that anyone who likes anime is emotionally mature to begin with), they have a lot of fantasies where they strike back at the rest of the world. One notes that anime freaks usually play a lot of violent video games, or fling around some tinny made-in-Taiwan weapons in laughable attempts to impress each other with false bravado. These blobular types would never actually do something constructive like join the military or engage in any serious martial art studies, because that would require actual work (and showering). So perhaps it is not surprising that the next most common attribute is the giant robot.

     The giant robot, always piloted (the word 'piloted' is always used, despite the fact that the robots are land based tanks -- 'driven' is not sexy enough for the Magic the Gathering playing anime crowd, who like to masturbate to Top Gun while pretending they're Iceman) by a lone individual, is a combination of blow-shit-up violence fantasy and Big Man on Campus symbology. These giant robots, which are always shaped as men and move with the dexterity and agility thereof, obliterate legions of tanks, choppers, Godzilla, the UN, and so on. It is completely illogical for the technology to exist to animate unstable tanks of such a ludicrous shape to the fluid movements and speed they exhibit, while the 'normal' tanks and military equipment they run over are still slow as ever. The sole purpose is so that geek virgin anime 'otaku' (Jap for dumbshit) can project themselves onto the robot so they can feel like Superman and GI Joe at the same time.

 
    This level of crap is not an archaic stereotype, as the modern show Full Metal Panic (Since Japanese is a shitty language, they have to feel cool by throwing a bunch of English words that don't make any sense together, together. Have you seen their game shows?) demonstrates. In this show, an illegal, mercenary, terrorist group imposes its will on the world by murdering and destroying whatever they don't like (no, they're not NATO). Its means of funding is left unclear, but their tactics consist of sending in giant robots to blow everything up, then jumping in the ocean and escaping. To further promote the idea that the geeks who watch this crap are supposed to get their jollies by pretending they themselves are giant indestructible beings, the robots have eyes, mouths, and use cannons that look identical to assault rifles, complete with irons and detachable 'banana' mags. It is never asked why these giant robots can move ten times the speed of other tanks, nor how they can fire their cannons at a full auto rate without falling over, when the 'regular' tanks in the show exhibit tremendous recoil force under a single shot, because again, they are not supposed to represent military craft at all, but instead be a physical manifestation of geek-fantasy to be invincible and possess the ability to destroy all that stand in their way.

     And why the fuck does this robot have long blonde hair? What the hell is that? Exactly what purpose is that supposed to serve? Why does this other guy have a knife? If you had a giant tank with super-AKs that could distintegrate OpFor's entire mechanized battalions in single shots, why would you decide that toothpicks are a superior weapon? The answer is that the wooden dildo riding freaks you see at conventions like to swing their stamped-out-of-butter penis-extensions at trees in their backyard, because "that shit is hella tight, like that black guy in Blade." Since the giant robots are supposed to represent manifestations of their repressed egos, they too must engage in spork duels. Hey Sta-Puft, stop masturbating to your stolen copies of Rurouni Kenshin and Gunsmith Cats. They're fucking fiction, just like Star Trek (yeah, you heard me, take off those stick-on ears), and the reason people pushed you around in school is because of that dandruff collection you call hair and that lard pile you call thighs. They could kick your ass then and they can kick your ass now, so give up on your psychological revenge obsessions, try using some deodorant, and going outside for a reason other than because your equally fat female anime geeks are dressing up in a cat costume at a lame convention.

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