Anime Stupidity

Anime (pronounced "car·toon") has a lot of recurring nonsensical themes, much like the Democratic Party. I will attempt to illustrate some of these defects in this section, also titled "Anime: It Ain't Just Giant Boobs."

    A form of entertainment that needs its own manual is a poor product indeed. Observe the popularity of porn, and note that nobody needs 'translation notes' to figure out what the hell is going on (fap fap fap!). But anime is completely unintelligible to the average person. For instance, we have weird symbols such as these plus signs over here. What the fuck? In American comics, we may get things such as exclamation or question marks. These do not require a separate thesis to understand, as they are universal punctuation marks (not just in English, either). However, what exactly is going on with these plus marks here? It is not a cartoony representation of an actual physiological response (such as the sweat mark), nor is it a translatable punctuation mark, unless she is thinking, "Shit, Algebra sucks!" Is it supposed to represent that she is horny? Having her period? Voted for George Bush? When I go to Blockbuster and rent a movie, I don't require little 'legends' to pop up at the bottom to explain to me what the hell is going on. Now, it is true that from this image, we can deduce that she is angry -- that's nice, women are always angry, it's called PMS. We can see that by the "What do you mean you'd rather watch football than go shopping for stupid pink trinkets with me?!" face. What's with the tic tac toe shit? To make things worse, anime fans feel the need to replicate these stupid expressions. Since they do not usually go outside, this is online where I have to be bombarded by their O.o ^.^ ^^; and so on.

    Japs (don't e-mail me saying that's a racist term, unless you also e-mail Nabisco for selling Cheese Nips) have small penises (or penii, if you prefer), and this is reflected in their obsession with firearms. Just look at all the Airsoft crap that country outputs -- Hey, I played with toys when I was 5 years old too, but buying $800 plastic BB guns at the age of 30 is just a tad abnormal. If the Jap cartoon doesn't have giant robots and dome explosions in it, you can guarantee that there's an indordinate amount of firearms use. One must question why the artists feel the need to draw accurate renditions of actual firearms -- note that when characters wear jackets, they are not modelled after the latest sweatshop produced model found at Walmart, and when characters open their spam from Ed McMahon, the blades are not existing knives. If one was so concerned with 'realism,' they would be. We don't care about that however, because it's not a documentary, it's a freaking cartoon. This is the Cartoon Network, not the god damn Discovery Channel. Note to nerds: Anime is NOT FUCKING REAL! Heck, giant robots and Japanese people that aren't ugly don't exist in real life, it's called suspension of disbelief. A lot (notice the space -- "alot" is not a god damned word, you AOLers) of American cartoons have guns, but none of them feel the need to depict actual existing ones, down to the manufacturer logos and proof marks. When anime does so, this gives the impression that they are trying to depict a realistic world, yet they show absolutely no knowledge of how to properly use the firearms. We don't much care that Inspector Gadget does not know what the hell he is doing, because it's a cartoon world. However, when Japs take real firearms and operate and deploy them nearly as bad as those hoodlums on Cops (I mean the ones with the badges), it looks utterly stupid. It is like depicting a Z06 Corvette down to the VIN numbers, and then showing it driven with 87 octane, automatic transmission, discount tires, accelerated with the brake, on the wrong side of the road, at 10 miles per hour, in mountainous terrain. In other words, like a faggoty fanboy poseur.

"Anime: It Ain't Just Giant Boobs." That is true, but a lot of it is about giant boobs. While male Japanese are bestowed with shriveled appendages, the female of this species is marked by washboard chests. Perhaps because of this, the most prominent feature marking Japanese cartoons is melons (no, not big eyes, they stole that shit from Disney) so bouncy, you could play the drums with 'em. Being of the male persuasion, I can understand how titties are kind of cool. You can use 'em as punching bags, suck on 'em when you get bored, slap 'em together to make a kinda golf clap sound, and crawl between 'em as protection in a snowstorm. But come on, what the hell is this? Freakin' Hunt for Red October? Why do Japs gotta be all obsessed with what they ain't got, and why do anime freaks get all pissed off if their favorite show ain't got no bounce? A friend of mine once said that anime is cartoon erotica, but she's wrong. If animated hoo-hoos doin' the mambo make you hard, you've got issues even Dr. Ruth can't fix.

    Next, I would appreciate it if someone could explain this whole catgirl thing to me. If you've seen more than two episodes of anime, chances are you've seen a character (always underdressed and always female) that is half human and half feline. The rationale goes something like this: '2D girls are hotties and that neighbor's cat makes me randy, so 2D catgirls are extra-sexy.' Uhh, what? And don't even give me that bovine excrement about them being "cute." Yeah, cute in the "I want to do them underneath the tail" kind of way, or else they wouldn't always be female and more or less naked. Not even counting how scary it is that anime geeks get off on this, this crap is just plain stupid. Come on, half-human half-cat? What the hell is this, Batman? I can understand how you might have a character like that in a show or two, to be different and creative. But every other show? What about dog-girls? Or penguin-girls? Kangaroo and Emu-girls? No, you don't see any of that, because copying the same character template is so much easier; and frankly, the polls say scantily clad crab-girls just don't tickle the pickles of anime's target audience.